The lack of struggle is amazing…
Swirling dark thoughts can take over my mind’s eye,
Without even a thought from me.
It’s like a bruise that spreads over your soul.
Painless but difficult to look at.
A limp right hand barely holding a lit cigarett.
The moon has been brighter since I’ve known you.
Odd confessions, written on index cards,
Falling out of a black top hat.
Can you hear me now?
I feel like thee slightest glance, touch-
Raises your blood pressure, the tone of your voice.
The fetal position becoming mandatory
Though I’m having trouble keeping my shaking hands-
Right where they belong.
Every touch threatens to infect you with me.
Deeper and deeper we fall into each other-
My blood carrying the shadows through you!
Through your fingertips, your lips…
It’s a black, white, and red world.
Happiness, caught and glowing in my hand-
Seems to have faded before I could feed it.
I feel you watching me, expecting me to smile.
My mind just doesn’t understand anymore-
All I can do is stop trying.
Softly the whispers of failure trickle, like blood from my ears.
Paranoid eyes glance here, then there…can anyone see?
Can you see my suffering, my internal demons
Begging me to throw the fight away and lay in an unconscious stupor.
My body is frightened, shaking constantly like the vibration of a drill,
Being born into my head, spinning and whirring- trying to break free.
I have no one to grasp onto, thus I hug myself and rock softly.
I pretend it was him.. the one that got away…slipped through my fingers.
Can I just live in this world my imagination has created for me?
It’s so kind, so soft… feels more right, even hopeful?
But what is the true value of the mind? Do I have to feel you?
No- I can pretend you’re there by inhaling your cologne.
I can arrange the pillows and blankets just right while playing a heartbeat track.
It hurts at first… but as the sleeping pills take hold, I give a sigh.
My apartment is empty…I don’t live there, but the bed is beginning to dent.
I wrap it up in pink and purple sheets, hoping the bright colors will excite me.
But they remain dull… black, white and red are all that is recognized.
I am a damaged film, unable to produce happy memories,
And crying acidic tears on the one I can’t forget, no matter how hard I try.
I want to remove myself from this… but I can’t find the strength.
Do I wait until a hand is seen, outstretched to pull me from my tomb?
It feels impossible… Because I cannot let them in. Damage control.
My mind stops and I sigh. This is where I belong, between life and death.
Forever walking along my nightmare’s parks of empty swings and rusted jungle gyms.
Stuck here within my self. I cry…is there no help for me?
No outstretched hand?
Dex…your tumblr thread has lead to an interesting turn of events.
I made a tumblr (And I’m following you btw xD)
So I went to make a post and searched in google for ‘Happy smilie’
Looking for a mood smilie for my blog.
Do you know what popped up in google images?
A picture of a woman holding a baby in a kiddy pool…and I was like ‘awwwwe.’
So I clicked on it.
It was a home birthing site.
A photo thread of purple bloody babies and mommys in pools of blood water.
Now while I have no problem with however anyone wants to have their kids…
These people are posting this on the internet.
It was more than I needed to see and I’m considering duct taping my vagina shut.
I’ve also learned that even I can still be mentally scarred.
So what can you expect to find here? Lots of things. Views, poems I or other people have written, song lyrics, random ramblings… you name it and it’ll probably pop up here. I’m finding a have a lot more going through my head that I can share, so why not. :)Of course I’ll keep my emo ramblings to just me, no one wants to read that. xD
No really trust me.
Schizophrenic minds are very interesting.
They’re like a bomb that explodes prematurely.
Or a house fire caused by leaving plastic in the oven.
Yah that guy’s got it right.
So I had my itunes thinger on random and it brought up a song I haven’t heard in a while. ‘Heartstrings come undone’ by Demon Hunter. This is a song that was introduced to me by my ex…and I honestly expected it to bother me and it didn’t. Progress! Oh yeah.
It’s a really good song…now it’s on repeat- for day three.
Sooo… like I wanna post some links. Shameless plugs are allowed, cause it’s my blog.
My writing site: http://www.writers-network.com/index.cgi?m=1&do=profile&who=5643
(Disclaimer: My poetry is best read with a fifth of vodka and a handful of SSRIs)
Offtopicz: Totally random but awesome forum. http://www.offtopicz.com/index.php